Kicking Resolutions To The Curb: How I Ended The War With My Body

I was so excited to wake up to so many motivational, realistic blog posts around January 1st! Most of the time, I feel inundated by “New Year, New You” fluff. But this year I noticed a new discussion was being had. With titles such as “Body Positive In the New Year: I am Not A “Before” and “11 Body Positive Resolutions To Make In 2016 For A More Progressive & Inclusive New Year”, there’s definitely a shift taking place removing the pressure and unrealistic challenges to change ourselves in unsustainable and sometimes impossible ways. I have to admit, I used to be the girl full of new lists for that new year that would fix me and my problems asap. It wasn’t long before I was burnt out, feeling worthless and eating a pizza by myself alone in bed. Next year… I’d say. Next year.

As my journey towards radical self love and body positivity continues I was excited & surprised to realize that I didn’t feel the need to resolve to fix myself in 2016. I knew that the last 12 months were already a slow and steady stream of learning to eat intuitively and choosing to do exercise that had nothing to do with weight loss. I felt proud and peaceful about the new year, thinking back on all of the wonderful things I’ve learned about my happiness. And how to toss out old, useless beliefs centered around anyone’s expectations but my own. I was happy to have no need to resolve to be someone else.

It seems like my body and I have always been at war on a battlefield where I had no chance. It was me against my fat like a cancer patient takes up arms against his/her own white blood cells. I had to beat it, I had to destroy it before it destroyed me and mostly, I had to do as little as possible to convince everyone (including myself) that I was trying hard enough. It wasn’t until the last year that I stared to question why the hell I was still beating myself up and if I was really benefiting from any of it.

Somehow, I’d been convinced a long time ago that if I ever laid down my arms, I’d be giving up on myself and joining the ranks of the lazy sots draining our health care system. And I just couldn’t give up.

The problem is… that’s my body we’re talking about.

Not some foreign host that’s invaded. It’s the place that houses my spirit. It’s the place that nestled my daughter into warmth and protection. It’s the place that holds my lungs and controls my blood flow. It’s my friend… not my enemy. And realizing this ended the endless war that had gone on for far too long. I wasn’t fighting something evil, I was fighting myself.

So, what does it take to realize just how fantastic your body is?

The answer for me, started with some self exploration. All of the self exploration. From basic psychology books, vulnerability studies (Brene Brown), spiritual paths (A Course In Miracles etc.), ancient wisdom (The Four Agreements etc), community (Hot & Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls On Life, Love and Fashion etc.), EFT, yoga, acupuncture, burlesque, the divine feminine, hypnotherapy, great chats over coffee, sewing clothes for my body and so much more.

How did I end the war with my body? I tried everything and stayed open to a new perception. It turns out that new perception would be there is no war. I made the whole thing up in my head. Like a bad dream you’re positive is real! Only this dream was kept alive through well-meaning people and subtle media messages. It was like waking up from a nightmare and having a professional tell you that you should be afraid. Doesn’t make the dream anymore real. Through a series of breaking down these delusions, one by one, a brick at a time… I realized the truth: that I am spectacular. That there is so much more to me than my body and that my body is my comrade through this life, not my enemy.

Here’s the answer. Try it all. It ALL WORKS. My philosophy is throw everything at it. It’s your life and your dreams deserve to be fulfilled no matter what it takes.
-Denise Duffield-Thomas

Denise said several times in her book about releasing your blocks about money that you can simply substitute the word money for love, happiness etc. and it still applies. I think it’s very easy for us to get caught up in the right way, but there are so many paths along our journey and all of them are important.

Here are a few applicable tools that help me:
If I ever feel the need to changes something in my life/ about my body etc. I always ask myself who/what I’m doing it for. I’m blissfully honest… and write it down. Writing things down helps me to think faster than I write and come out with truths that might have been hidden otherwise.
I Try all the things. Knowing yourself is a fantastic form of self love. Personality types (Myers Briggs), astrology charts, numerology, everything I listed above. I love to learn about myself.
I Keep a list of gratitude for my body. I Don’t list every breath but I remember that my breath is there, my blood is pumping, my heart is beating, I’m a sustainable life force just by existing. I know that I’ll always get more of what I already have and I have A LOT. I focus on that instead of what my culture or other’s think I should have.

Sometimes, especially when I don’t practice these tools and live in my truth, I find myself right back on the empty battlefield again. The truth is that there are still some things that trigger my need to be someone else and set my self hatred off like a sea mine: diet books, not so body-positive conversations with friends or family, having a hard time walking up a large flight of stairs or every time I go to the well-meaning doctor. But you know what? I know now, that that’s OK.

I know that I am coming back strong from a lot of old belief systems. I know that the answer is never feeling bad or shameful and that beating myself up is never the right action. I know that every day I try my best and every day that looks different. It’s OK to sit with these old voices and acknowledge them. I know that unless I acknowledge them, they’ll never leave and their voices will get louder and louder until the truth gets drowned out by the noise.

What have you done to make peace with your body? Do you find it easy or hard to give into attempts to change yourself around the New Year?

#makingpeacewithme
photo credit: cura. via photopin (license)